Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
The beer is more important than you right now.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
