gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
