wakey wakey hands off snakey
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
