Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
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