At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I just want nice things and good sex
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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