true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
