If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I need to align my fucking chakras
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
