he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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