Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
