i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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