I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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