If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
