My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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