I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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