this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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