Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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