First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
