I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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