cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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