It's a beautiful day for a hangover
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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