He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
