he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize