how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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