I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
