Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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