Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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