If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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