his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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