final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
