I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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