Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I deserve this hangover.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
