I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
