I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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