beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
