Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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