I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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