Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
