Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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