Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
