I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
