I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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