Im at strip club and am horny
I feel like I'm in dance class right now
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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