i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
