i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize