Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
