Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
