dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
