wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
