I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
