Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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