I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
