Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
