life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Randomize
