It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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