i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
