You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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