Dual....:-)
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
