Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
