i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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